three days before the first foster care class, i got the official word. i'm a tangled jumble of nerves and excitement and something else. after two years of unsuccessfully trying to make a baby, i was the one who was more than ready to take action; to do something that would make us parents.
but every month, i still think to myself, "maybe?" how do i reconcile the hope of pregnancy with the longterm process of foster care? a big life event, such as a pregnancy, will halt the fostering process. anyone else's response might be, so what? you're pregnant -- you get a kiddo either way. but i like to throw myself into something -- to view it as The Path we're taking. and i'm finding out i can't do that with this.
there is always the chance that we'll get pregnant. but i can't sit around, waiting for it to happen. there's also the chance that we won't -- and instead we'll be fostering a kiddo in the next six months. i can't choose a road to follow this time. instead, i get the unique (read: crazy) opportunity to embrace two roads.
and that's where i find myself, a tangled jumble of nerves and excitement and something else.